"Today's Headline: Aliens Land on Earth and Ask to Speak with Our Leader. We Send Them to the White House."

"For the 1000th time, aliens don't speak English: The Daily Facepalm"

"Alien Invasion Aborted After They Witness Our 2020"

"Alien Invasion Averted Thanks to Common Cold: Humanity's Immunity Saves the Day!"

"Facepalming Your Way Through the Multiverse: Today's Top Head-Desk Moments!"

"Local Woman Discovers She's Been Pronouncing 'Quidditch' Wrong Her Entire Life"

"Alien Invasion Averted by Man Who Forgot to Lock Front Door"

"Alien Invasion Called Off After Aliens Discover Earth Has Already Destroyed Itself"

"Local Man Discovers He's Been Pronouncing 'Mjolnir' Wrong His Entire Life"

"Local Woman Discovers She Has Been Pronouncing 'Quidditch' Wrong Her Entire Life"